Evil Lords & Coffee Shops
by chasingafterstarlight
Summary: The new dark lord has come around, and it's bearing evil coffee to hypnotize everyone. Not to mention his awesome new idiotic, immature minions are ready to come up with awesome ideas, like evil red vines and penguins. Crack!fic. AVPM references.


**Evil Lords & Coffee Shops  
><em>or the rise of Lord Madlemort and the Death Fanatics<br>_**_crack!fic_

It all started with a coffee shop.

Not just any coffee shop, mind you. It was a coffee shop that sold only the finest types of coffee, their most famous being the one called _Total Control_. Muggles flocked there by the millions, each of them curious about what was so good about that coffee.

Little did they know that that coffee would be their downfall.

What most of them did not realize was that the name Total Control was literal. Once they drunk the coffee, they were at the mercy at the second-most-famous Dark Lord of all time. His/her name? Lord Madlemort.

.

A long time ago, so far back no one dared to remember, a baby was born. No one cared whether it was a girl or a boy. It was left on the street, in a big coffee cup that appeared out of nowhere.

It grew up quickly. Because of its abandonment, it developed strong mental issues- those that only the Dark Lord type had. It heard the tales of the terrific _Harry Potter_ and his enemy, the evil Lord Voldemort. In a sick sort of way, it aspired to be like Lord Voldemort, but eviler, madder. It wanted to actually succeed and conquer the world.

(It also had a bit of a thing for Lysander Scamander, but that wasn't of the utmost importance.)

Somewhere along the way, it began to walk. And then it made its way into an alternate dimension, and took on the gender of none, as its gender transplant was simply unsuccessful, much to its dismay.

It decided that it needed an evil name. So, it took on the name of Madlemort- like Voldemort, but much _madder_. And that, it decided, would make all the difference.

Next was the small issue of followers. As Voldemort took a lot of his followers from the community, it decided that the best way was door-to-door recruiting.

Pulling out his wand, it knocked on the first door. As soon as the door opened, a lady fell on the ground in front of it. "Please, get me out of this _dump_!"

"And you would be?" Madlemort asked politely.

"Jennytrix," the lady ran out the door, shoving it shut behind her. "I have an axe. I am perfectly capable of holding my own." Cackling evilly, she pulled the axe out of the back of her robes. "Are you recruiting for an evil mission?"

"As a matter of fact, I am," Madlemort raised an eyebrow. "But how did you-"

The lady ran off, twirling her axe and forcing Madlemort to follow. The next house they came across was a huge mansion, complete with a creepy gate and a couple of bats that reminded Madlemort of vampires. It almost lost its nerve, but then it whipped out its wand and cast a spell, knocking down the gate.

A man came rushing out of the house, blonde hair flowing in the wind. As he saw them, he stopped. "That was my gate."

Uncaring about the man's gate, Madlemort rushed into the speech it had been rehearsing all day. "Hello, mortal. My name is Lord Madlemort, and I am from another dimension. I wish to recruit you to go back to my own dimension and take on the infamous Harry Potter. We shall throw simply _Unforgivable_ Parties and possibly take on a traitor or two."

The man brightened. "I shall join! I shall also show that Harry Potter man a thing or too. I would be Starius, Starius Malfoy. Do you mind if I get my ickle son and idiot of a wife to join too?"

"Actually, he's the idiot," someone else spoke up. A lady that reminded it vaguely of Cruella de Vil stepped out. "I am Narchissa, the more reasonable of the two… even if I idolize my unworthy son."

The third of the family, obviously the ickle, unworthy son, ran out, arms thrown in the air. "I want Heathermione Granger… and a rocketship!"

Confused, Madlemort threw its' hands into the air. "What in the name of _Harry Potter_ _the Accursed _is a Heathermione Granger and a rocketship, idiot son?"

"I'm not your son!" the boy twirled around. "I am Leeshco Malfoy and I want a tattoo!"

"Join me and I'll supply you with the best of the tattoos," Madlemort promised.

Leeshco considered. "Deal."

"I'll join, too, because my unworthy son is joining!" Narchissa did a little dance, which Starius joined in.

"I'll join to preserve the Malfoy family name!" Starius sang.

Together, they burst into song and danced, doing a routine that rivaled any that Madlemort had ever seen before. They danced perfectly in sync, singing about how they were 'pureblooded' and needed to preserve the ancient name of Malfoy.

Whatever that meant.

"Cease this useless noise!" Madlemort screamed.

"Were our moves not the sexiest thing you've ever seen?" Narchissa pouted.

"I thought I was pretty sexy," Starius agreed, putting a hand on his hip.

"You were, ahem, sexy," Madlemort replied, to which Jennytrix cackled, breaking her evil silence. Sending the lady an evil glare, Madlemort continued, "Have you ever considered that it may be possible to take over the world using sexy dancing?"

"I believe it would be, m'lord," Starius replied with a wink. "Would you like us to, ahem, _hypnotize_ some people for you?"

"I would like that," Madlemort said stiffly. "I would like that very much."

Jennytrix cackled again, Starius crossed his arms, Narchissa danced, and then Leeshco demanded, "Where is my tattoo?"

After they'd given Leeshco a satisfactory tattoo, they went up to the next house. Leeshco demanded that (s)he be given the right to knock on the door, and reluctantly, Madlemort granted him the right. So (s)he marched up to the door, knocking a few times before the person opened it.

"Hello," Leeshco burst into song. "I want Heathermione Granger…"

Quickly, Madlemort cut him off. "No, no, you blithering idiot! I do this part." It cleared its throat. "Hello, I am Lord Madlemort. I wish to recruit you to go to another dimension with traitors- no, no, that's not right-"

The man's eyes lit up. "Can I be the traitor?"

"Who are you?" Narchissa cut in.

"Betherus Snape," he replied, doing a hair-flip of his greasy hair.

"I don't like you," Narchissa sneered.

"I do!" Leeshco cut in. "D'you want to be friends forever, and skip through fields of flowers-"

"Enough!" Madlemort cut in. "Now, we must do this in a civilized manner. Do you wish to join the Death Fanatics and spread terror, or would you rather lie about, being boring?"

"I suppose I'll join," Betherus said in a dead tone.

"And you agree to our terms?" Starius cut in.

"Obviously," Betherus replied.

Jennytrix cackled.

.

By the end of their recruiting session, Madlemort gained a spattering of followers- aside from Jennytrix, Leeshco, Starius, Narchissa, and Betherus, there were also Fuxley, Igor Coffeeoff, Maddirus Black, Peter Maddigrew (who was close with the family of _Harry Potter_) and Fenrir Weviback, along with numerous others. In fact, the only person to refuse on that street was a bushy-haired witch, the one that Leeshco had been screaming about. She claimed that her name was 'Heathermione Granger' and she was on the side of good.

Were _Unforgiveable Parties_ not good?

"My mission was a success," Madlemort clapped its hands from its place at one end of the wooden table they were all seated at.

"Excuse me, m'lord," Maddirus Black spoke up.

"All right, _our_ mission was a success," Madlemort repeated in irritation.

"Actually," Maddirus replied, considerably less bold, "I was going to inquire if we might have ice cream at these meetings."

"Fine," Madlemort sighed, waving its wand to conjure up a row of bowls of ice cream, one in front of each of its minions. They all exclaimed in delight, digging in at once.

"So, as I was saying," Madlemort continued. "I need more. I need to be more evil, to create an image for myself in the alternate dimension that I will be taking you to soon."

"Ooh!" one of the minions, Igor Coffeeoff, exclaimed. Everyone turned to face him/her, and (s)he blushed. "I found a gummy worm."

Madlemort groaned, resisting the urge to crucio the idiotic minions who sat at its table. It picked up its wand and cast a signal on the ceiling, a smiley face with a little snake tongue. All of the minions stared up at it and cooed in awe.

"Attention!" Madlemort called. "Ideas, _please_?"

"My lord," Fenrir Weviback spoke, "I always thought that you would look considerably more evil if you did not have a nose."

Madlemort's hand flew up to its nose. "What is wrong with my nose?"

But the minions were too busy nodding their approval, saying that they had always thought the same thing. In annoyance, Madlemort screamed, "Fine! I'll take off my nose! Who will do it, though? Who shall take off my nose?"

"I shall!" Igor Coffeeoff, the ice cream demanding man, jumped out of his seat. "I mean, it would be the greatest of honours, my lord."

So it nodded, squinted its eyes shut, and waited for the curse to come. Finally, Igor shrieked, "Takeofferus Noserus!"

Madlemort felt something come flying off its face. When it opened its eyes, its nose was buried deep in the opposite wall, and all of the rest of them were clapping evilly.

"Very snakelike," Fuxley clapped. "Very professional."

Shaking her head in irritation, Madlemort stormed out of the room.

.

The next meeting was even less successful.

Everyone was babbling on, and Madlemort was getting more and more frustrated by the second. Finally, it screeched, "ANY EVIL PLANS OR DID I CALL THIS MEETING FOR NOTHING?"

"You could recruit turkeys," Fuxley volunteered. "Turkeys are fun…"

"Penguins are far superior," Betherus droned.

Igor Coffeeoff shot up. "Ooh, ooh, me! How about coffee?"

"I am not conjuring up coffee for my minions to get all hyper on," Madlemort groaned. "The ice cream was enough of a failure-"

"No," Igor retorted, crossing his arms stubbornly. "Evil coffee! Like, we start a coffee business and sell coffee that controls minds. And then we take over the world with our coffee-"

"Take over the world," Madlemort rolled its eyes. "With coffee? I highly doubt that that is possible."

"I'm sure it is," Betherus piped up. "As Potions professor at Pigfarts, I know all of the ingredients necessary to create a coffee that can control people, make them do our bidding."

"Will it taste good?" Leeshco bounced up and down.

"Like heaven," Betherus promised.

All eyes turned to Madlemort for the final say, and it nodded, writing it down on the paper. "All right. Evil coffee. Anything else?"

"Sexay dancing!" Starius called from the back of the room.

"All right, sexy dancing," Madlemort rolled its eyes, but wrote the suggestion down on the scroll anyway.

"No, my lord," Narchissa protested. "It is _sexay_ dancing."

"Fine," Madlemort scowled. "Sex_ay_ dancing. Anything else that's not totally insane?"

From the back of the room, Jennytrix cackled. "Axe murders."

"Who are we axe murdering?" Madlemort asked guardedly.

Jennytrix just cackled again, looking appropriately evil. "Anyone who stands in our way! Maybe I'll even kill you, would make for a nice pastime."

Looking worried, Madlemort scribbled that down on the scroll, too, along with a 'watch out for Jennytrix'. "Right," Madlemort coughed. "Anything _else_?"

"Evil red vines!" Fenrir Weviback called.

After writing that down, Madlemort frowned. "Shall we begin, then?"

"Ooh, one more thing!" Peter Maddigrew cried out. "Penguins!"

Everyone turned to stare at him, confused. Then, finally, Leeshco broke into a smile. "I like it!"

At once, the whole room burst into applause. And, because of that, Madlemort was forced to add '_penguins, evil penguins_' to its scroll.

As it read over the ideas of the minions, it wondered what it had gotten itself into.

.

"Come on, come all, to the grand revealing of… _Death Fanatics Coffee_!" Betheus yelled, in a voice much too loud for his/her usual demeanor.

"Oh, shut up," one worthless Muggle remarked. Others just walked on by.

But a scattering of people came over to see what was going on, and Madlemort just smirked as Betheus pulled the sheet off of the coffee shop.

Jaws dropped.

It was… _evil_. The darkness and dramatically increased size of it showed that. Dark curtains hung from the window, and the doorknob of the front door was a bat. The sign, which hung above the front door, flickered on and off mysteriously. Every detail of the shop was pristine, mysterious, and evil.

"It's perfect," Narchissa gushed, lunging for the front door. "Come along, Leeshco! Mummy will give you a tour!"

Shaking its head, Madlemort walked up to the counter and ran its fingers along the wood. "It's beautiful," it mused.

"I agree," Betherus smirked.

Madlemort stood behind the counter, feeling very official. "Customers, come and get me." Then he yelled, "Minions! You all are to make the evil coffee. I shall take the evil orders."

"Master," Betherus asked, "Am I to release the evil penguins to wreak havoc on Hogwarts?"

"Yes, you are," Madlemort commanded.

Everyone else stood behind the counter, waiting for their first customer. The first one was a boy, who was sucking on a licorice stick. He was handsome, in a weird sort of way.

Smiling, he said, "I'd like a large Evil Coffee."

"It's a _evilly large_," Jennytrix hissed, but no one seemed to hear her. So, once they'd served up the drink, Jennytrix promptly dumped it on the boy's head. He walked away, steaming (but it was too late, he'd already paid).

"Jennytrix!" Narchissa hissed. "What did you do that for?"

"He annoys me," Jennytrix shrugged before grinning. "It'll still work, the drug mind-control thing. It'll just take a while…"

"At least she didn't murder the kid with an axe," Fuxley remarked.

Everyone had to laugh at that one.

And so the sales continued. Jennytrix did not dump coffee on anyone else's heads, nor did she murder anyone with an axe. The sales went terrifically. At least, until a scrawny boy with a scar in the shape of a mitten on his head walked in.

"I am Marry Mitter," (s)he announced. "Bow to my awesomeness."

"As if," Leeshco snorted. "Marry, get away."

"You're evil, and I'm good, so I have to defeat you!" Marry Mitter exclaimed, pulling a wand out.

"You and what army?" Jennytrix retorted.

Heathermione walked up, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm the army!"

"Oh, Avada Kedavra me now," Madlemort whispered, causing all of the minions to giggle. "Honestly? You two against the _eleven _of us? And not to mention the incredible skill we possess."

A freckled boy walked up. "I could help!"

"Oh, and it only gets worse," Betherus stuck out his/her tongue. "What are you doing here, Weasley?"

"Helping!" Ron threw out his arms, reminding Madlemort of Patrick from the old TV show.

"You all are idiots," Narchissa groaned.

"Crucio!" Jennytrix yelled, pointing her wand at all three of them and hoping that her curse would spread.

As the three _'trio_' attempted to fight back, Madlemort just rolled its eyes and snapped its fingers, causing a throng of mind-controlled Muggles to come crashing through the door, whining like zombies.

_Yes,_ it decided. Madlemort was going to be more successful than Lord _Voldemort_ had ever been.

.

"We have to throw an Unforgivable Party!" Maddilus Black exclaimed.

All of the other minions nodded their agreement, and Fenrir Weviback continued, "I mean, we just made the infamous Marry Mitter retreat and Snapparate away! That's got to count for something!"

They all burst into applause.

Ivan Coffeeoff whipped out a plate of chips and dip with a pot of coffee. "Shall we, then?"

Peter Maddigrew turned on some funky dance music and the party was on. Everyone was dancing, Starius and Narchissa doing the best dances that Lord Madlemort had ever seen. They were doing moves that it had never seen before, as Leeshco looked on in disgust then went off to dance with some random original girl who had shown up. She was perfect. Some might even call her a Mary-Sue.

Then a cry went up from somewhere in the midst of the dancing. "Party crashers! Party crashers! Marry Mitter and his or her friends are here!"

Everyone screamed, and some people began to run around and crash into each other.

As always, the stupid cowards Marry, Heathermione, and Ron Snapparated away.

"Anyone want to go make some advertisements for our coffee- our _evil_ coffee- to go put up on FlooTube?" Betherus called.

All of them hooted their yeses, and they took off, not bothering to go look for Marry or his various creepy friends.

.

After the airing of the ad on FlooTube, Peter Maddigrew thought it his duty to announce how many hits the video gained each day. Sometimes, they would gain over 1000 views. Sometimes, it was a smaller number like 300. But every day, their view count higher and higher.

"We're popular!" Fenrir Weviback exclaimed, doing a little dance as his werewolf claws emerged from his hands.

Madlemort let her face break out into a smile. "I suppose that now more people will buy our coffee, and that will make it easier for our mind-control outbreak to extend…"

"We're going to rule the world!" Narchissa hooted, and she and Starius broke into a dance.

"Please," Jennytrix scoffed. "Believe me, we already did!"

That sent the Death Fanatics into another round of cheers, and Madlemort had to laugh- was this what the _weak_ person's notion of family felt like?

.

"What should our goals be?" Madlemort asked, folding her hands in her lap. "I think that as a gang of evil minions and the sexy leader, we should have some goals…"

"Capture Lysander Scamander!" squealed a redhead girl in the back of the room, who quieted at Madlemort's glare.

Madlemort wrote it down anyway. "Anything else?"

"Throw Unforgivable Dance parties, rule the world, and defeat Marry Mitter!" Starius screamed. A roar of approval came at that one.

"And we should do all of our original things, too," Betherus nodded. "I love the evil penguins."

That was the beginning of their rise.

.

It was weird to think that it all started with a coffee shop.

**A/N: Oh, the insanity of the NextGen fanatics. No, this wasn't supposed to make sense, don't worry. It's a complete crack!fic.**

**Now, dedications- this is for all of those who supported my (Madlemort's) rule. Jennytrix (Jenny, inescapable scars), Starius (Starlit, stars hide your f i r e s), Betherus (Beth, BethTonksBrown), Narchissa (Chi, they say that i'm crazy), Leeshco (Leesh, Vanity Sinning Starship Ranger), Igor Coffeeoff (Coffee, coffee-stained lips), Fenrir Weviback (Wevi, my best enemy), Fuxley (Fuse, General Confusion), Maddirus Black/Peter Maddigrew (Maddi, flip-flops and forever plans). And even those that didn't- thanks to: Marry Mitten (Mittens, turnthatfrownupsidedown) and Heathermione (Heather, clouds with silver linings). Oh, and credit to Bethy for FlooTube :P and credit to everyone else for like the penguins and redvines and all. ;)**

**I love you all to pieces and you're all amyzing 3 And even the ones that laughed at our insanity are too (Bluey :P).**

**ALL RIGHT, DONE. PLEASE REVIEW AND READ AND ALLL THAT STUFF. AND DON'T LEAVE A FAVORITE WITH NO REVIEW.**


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